But enough of this. Let's begin.
1. Twinkle twinkle, big star...
Golden, sparkly, shimmering - from ballgown to sheath, fairy dust was all over the place at the Met Gala. I always like to start with JLo.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggGXoBuZokxgWzNij451dWLQ---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/2e/d7/2145430815_9264637240.jpg)
Don't talk any smack about JLo this year. She's getting it right every time. Everything, from the classic a-line hourglass shape of this Zuhair Murad dress to the Brigitte Bardot hair, all of it makes me want to hand her the award right now, and this isn't even an awards show. And props to her makeup artist too - her eyes are practically burning holes through my computer screen. Yikes.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_sigg2BFBhV9AKqLIGwkUuDoxig---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/6c/54/1295020537_5515030596.jpg)
Nicole Richie! Yes! I'm so impressed with her transition from sulky teen frumpster to glowing Hollywood mom. I luuurve the proportions on her Marc Jacobs dress. The cinched belt keeps the draping from overwhelming her petite frame, the pewter color isn't too bright and she kept her hair loose and simple, which was very smart because an updo with this dress might wind up looking a bit like Joan Collins on "Dynasty". Worth avoiding. Well played.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_sigg1xQlD16tSaB04nPLEbyD.w---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/94/2b/1971096432_7892065766.jpg)
Oh, I like the way you think, Gewn Stefani. This dress is from her very own L.A.M.B. line, which is an acronym for something or other, but also rhymes with DAMN, apropriately. This dress looks like she stripped down and then danced around in a giant cotton candy machine. It's sophisticated spun sugar. It's a literal interpretation of the phrase "sultry sweet". Of course she pulls this off. The woman got married in fuschia ombre. L.O.V.E.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggvUkovCc0Tp10U613G_J_BQ---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/9c/bd/1767022539_866764614.jpg)
You know, you could say this Christian Dior dress is kind of safe, but of course it appears magically lit from within because Marion Cotillard is inside it. The whole flapper-hair, vintage-y thing she's sticking to this year? I see no reason to rain on that parade. She's too lovely like this, I don't need her to go all Zoe Saldana and show up in some purple swamp monster. Keep rocking the glittery sheaths, because you can. That is all.
And last in the sparkle parade, Anne Hathaway, who I really like, but I'm kind of mad that she ripped off Miley Cyrus's Oscar look. She's better then that.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggd_j7N0f3J2Z8nChh45IbVA---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/37/2a/1610642704_8720107746.jpg)
(here's Miley, in case you don't remember...)
![Miley Cyrus at the Oscars by Toni<3's the Kaulitz Twins! & Disco Curtis!.](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4065/4415813810_52e4cf2a4e.jpg)
I mean, I like Anne's version a lot better. I just wish she could have rocked it first, so Miley would be the one looking like she overpaid her stylist.
2. Short and Sweet.
...or sour. Depending who we're talking about. Sweet would be epitomized by DiCaprio-wrangling supermodel Bar Rafaeli, in Rag&Bone:
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggM1T3wjM0KUilwBIzlU.x2g---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/d2/b0/2015614850_4211075380.jpg)
Leo should really shut up already and marry her. The woman obviously knows how to dress. Perfect proportions, fabulous texture, charming details (what is that peeking out on the bottom? So cute!) - this dress has it together. Glowing, dewy skin, legs up to there - all of it works. You get the impression that she doesn't need a giant dress to steal the spotlight.
Another short frock that worked? The lovely January Jones in YSL.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggjnH62scUJh0.aV06IBlN.Q---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/93/f9/1860543449_9782416167.jpg)
Now, the dress I like very much. The accessorizing creeps me out a little. Between the round-toe platform pumps, above-the-elbow gloves and high flying updo, the whole look winds up looking a little cold and Stepford-wife-ish to me. Then I start noticing that the embellishment on the dress actually reminds me a little of a wrought-iron gate and I just begin feeling nervous about standing next to her. Hmm.
And unfortunately, the short dresses take a dive after that.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggHNQcJYBs4hotr0qR4WTDeg---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/9e/d4/1460837428_5384959076.jpg)
Elizabeth Banks, who was my hero at the Oscars for her frothy grey Versace, showed up in this Gucci bomb and completely undermined my confidence in her. Booties? Lace tights? Ostrich? Or is that howler monkey? This is like Cruella DeVille goes cocktail and I do not approve.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggMqSPmm.H3wLKK1V_4o9aAg---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/d2/d6/1939548675_12667377165.jpg)
Chloe Sevegny, long known for taking fashion risks, puts it all out there again and winds up looking like Lorraine Bracco at the beginning of Goodfellas. This dress actually makes her look hippy and squat, which is hard to do since she only weighs seventeen pounds. Way too much structure. Plus, um, I can see your underthings. It's especially weird since this dress screams "wear me to church in 1967". Unlike this next one:
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggpn3ogKCOSx_ub3MOrnFR9A---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/51/66/1433038354_10324590879.jpg)
Nope, nope nope. Blake Lively, this dress is too much and too little at the same time. Too much stuff in too little space. And your shoes look like a decoupage project. And I KNOW you can't sit down in that thing, so I hope at least they're comfortable, because you are definitely standing all night...
3. Best of the worst...
...starting with pantsuits.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggq9fcLLkzXgG9dZrQaRGjDw---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/9c/67/2026101693_13393061468.jpg)
Of course Tina Fey chose to jump on this bandwagon. How can someone be so smart in one area and so clueless in another? You'd think she'd have a circle of close friends who'd stop her from going out in a mess like this. From the lovely pear-shaped silhouette to the Cleopatra eye makeup, this is like a symphony of don'ts. That zipper gives new meaning to the words "completely unneccesary". Ouch.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggiAWprccQVFkecIt71MDEAw---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/f9/81/1964537040_9221673624.jpg)
Rachel Zoe in the previously mentioned Marc Jacobs. It smells musty even from here. Draped, mustard colored velvet - who knew that wouldn't work out? Enough said.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggMzl9TEHK9reVacYXnpPhxw---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/6f/5a/1294200254_3061267703.jpg)
Newly single Usher and date Tamara Mellon. Excuse me, but I think you popped a button. There, and there...and there...and there...and there...thank goodness your Jimmy Choo gladiator stilettos appear to be indestructible.
I'm growing faint from hunger, but I COULD NOT ignore Maggie Gylenhaal, which was obviously her aim.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_sigg7sZCHbKvzaBdFDptNTyL4g---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/3e/67/1353586515_5389946758.jpg)
This is what happens when acid-washed jeans and trash bags have a baby. It looks like this. The top calls to mind some sort of stripper-friendly overalls and there's some toxic substance melting out the front of the skirt. Gracious. At least she's not apologizing with her posture. Although an apology is, perhaps, in order.
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_sigg0jbhOk5iDWXGdbuoW_qjig---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/f4/d3/1340831430_10311505794.jpg)
Okay, and one more - I couldn't resist. I was just proud because I actually WORE this dress when my middle school did a scaled-down production of "Showboat". It's nothing without the hat though. I gave Vera Farmiga some consideration after her crazed ruffle moment at the Oscars, but this is really asking a lot.
And FINALLY - the most epic battle of the evening - Oprah vs. Gail, who screwed it up worse?
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggYO0yevQpkMBDgvNJ8JRkHA---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/c9/4b/1621517874_13907449260.jpg)
![](http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggcqnlb2GpooQu.GmVfeGpSg---y626-x495-q75-n1/omg/us/img/fc/72/2118627151_4619616496.jpg)
Yup, Gail wins. Maybe at the last minute, Oprah realized how awful her gown was so she forced Gail to dress like a cocktail wench at Medieval Times. Not a bad ploy when it looks like your own dress is trying to drag you the underworld as you're walking the red carpet. When you have friends like Oprah, apparently you have to take a dive for the empire once in a while. Small price to pay...